How to Be Depressed at the Function
Look at all you shiny happy people
Dear Stu,
I was diagnosed with depression for the first time about 8 months ago during my first year of grad school. No one else in my family seems to quite understand what I’m dealing with or why I have to take medication now for what they see as simply feeling sad or in a slump, even though there is mental illness in the family. Traditionally, my extended family gets together at the same place the first week of June. The trouble is I am having a phase of depression right now and I am worried about how to join everyone and seem happy at that gathering if I’m still feeling like that. As it is this is really hard at my work placement. The last thing I want is more people (even if well meaning, but some of my family can be rude about it) chiming in on my condition. How do you pretend to be upbeat when you’re not?
Robert S.
Dear Robert,
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this relatively new experience of being diagnosed with depression and some of the challenges it can present. I don’t wish depression on my worst enemy, but for those who have it, I am glad that there are therapeutic supports, including medication, that can help set us up for success. It can take some time and experimentation, but with all my heart I hope you find something that works well for you.
One of the themes here at Dear Stu is the question of what to do or how to be when we are experiencing something that our friends, loved ones, or other onlookers don’t understand. The challenge is amplified when these good folks are loud and confident in spite of their ignorance. I once had a housemate who told me I need to smile and pick up my feet, while making such astute and helpful observations as “you look depressed” (accusation edition).
“I can’t know what you’re going through but I am with you and I care” is a terrific response to a wide variety of suffering. It’s enough. It’s much better than a judgmental observation that is much more about making the commenter feel comfortable than it is about our wellness.
The first thing I would encourage you to do is to leave behind the premise of your question, that the onus is entirely on you to do or be something different. I understand how many of us who experience mental illness have to push through certain events and decompress later, but being amidst family and friends should not be such an occasion.
Living With Depression
I wonder what depression feels like for you. Please feel welcome to answer in a follow up question and we can continue the conversation, because I want to be careful not to presume too much. Some begin losing interest in what normally give them pleasure. Others see changes in diet, weight gain or loss, or difficulty in maintaining hygiene.1 No matter what, there is no shame to be had in this illness, one we did not choose.
To meet you in your much appreciated vulnerability, Robert, I will share that I have Bipolar Disorder II, which entails having milder episodes of mania than type I, but intense depressive episodes on the other end. For me, the primary feature of these depressive episodes is anhedonia, which means a loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities, and a significantly reduced sense of motivation. In my personal experience, anhedonia is best described as desirelessness. I become too depressed to want. That looks like an incomplete sentence, yet it’s about as articulate as I can be about the subject. I do not want.
This state of unwanting can leave me borderline catatonic. Sleep is the only relief, which is a shame because too much of it only makes me feel worse. It is this way for many depressed people: we can’t get of bed and do something, but the shame of having done nothing only sinks us deeper into bed.
The scenario you describe is participating in an annual family gathering. In this specific case, I refer first to my earlier challenge to the idea that when we are ill we have to behave as not ill, especially among friends and family who should love and accept us unconditionally.
If I go into a gathering where I know that certain people will not be up for this non-judgmental love, I prepare myself to avoid and/or limit conversation with those individuals unapologetically. This may not sound polite, or unreflective of a sense of grit and “get on with it” that previous generations once had. But (1) we cannot be responsible for another’s lack of empathy, even family, and (2) without boundaries to protect ourselves when we are most vulnerable, we will crush under the weight of expectations that ultimately have nothing to do with our ultimate good.
Depressed at Work
I do want to be realistic in view of all the scenarios we may find ourselves in while experiencing depressive episodes. When it comes to the workplace, I know how the diminishment of executive function could jeopardize our jobs. Managers and supervisors begin to notice what looks like procrastination, or they see reports, presentations, and emails that reflect the output of a clouded mind.
In the case of work, where we may have no choice but to play pretend and do what we can to get the job done, it is important not to turn on ourselves if we come up short.2 Yes, I am returning to this theme again: living with depression cannot fall to the individual alone. We do what we have to do to survive, but we must also acknowledge that we live in a capitalist system that is ruthlessly hostile to illness, weakness, and poverty. Capitalism is, in this sense, hostile to the human person.
If we put in a serviceable but not stellar day’s work we have to remind ourselves that there is no guilt to be had on our end. The notion that it is entirely on us to “fix” ourselves and be better is patently absurd in work climates that cultivate a false, actionably empty, sense of familial belonging in order to exploit labour out of us in sickness and in health. I say this not because I am naïve about how reliant we are on even the most toxic of workplaces, but because those of us with a mental illness can be particularly susceptible to being taken advantage of.
Speaking for myself, in most realms of my life, including ministry, I have prized the perception of being stable. I don’t want to be find out. And so I’ve done everything to do and to be everything I am needed to be. Alas, this is not sustainable; each of us has what we have and are who we are, limitations included. OK boss, I’ll do my best with the task at hand. But I’m no longer willing to exhaust myself back into a psych ward in an effort to maintain the perceptions of those who aren’t my maker.
Reuniting with the Reunion
Robert, I think that last sentence sums up my feelings about entering a space where family and friends are gathered. I know it’s hard, but please try your best to at least practice letting the perceptions of others go. And keep in mind those perceptions they may not even be accurate in the first place, especially because hyper-awareness of our depressive state can make us unreasonably vigilant for the smallest signs that someone is made uncomfortable by our affect. If someone has something to say, let them say it. Reading minds is tiring and anxiety-inducing, and most of us aren’t nearly as good at it as we think.
But most of all, it is not just to yourself and your human dignity to force inauthenticity. If the family wants a reunion, they can have the pleasure of your company, just as you are.
Yours in promising yourself a Coffee Crisp if you get through an event when you’d rather be in bed,3
Stu
The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) is a reliable resource for information about depression and mother mental illnesses. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression
Some workplaces will accept medical documentation to support a claim for paid disability leave, but this is nowhere near as common as it ought to be. Regardless, we should keep in mind that mental illness is an illness, and it is appropriate to take sick days for that illness when needed, as you would for any other illness.
Americans may substitute a Kit-Kat for the purposes of this sign-off.
Dear Stu,
I too, have been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 disorder after many years of misdiagnosis. Your article perfectly describes my symptoms. It always helps to know you’re not alone.